PAIN
Coming back, and being here is hard when jobs and education plans fail me, it's hard when your granny is dying and your dad can't go see her...or maybe doesn't want to. It's hard when you think that everyone else has a leg up on you because they didn't have to go thru the stuff you went thru. And finally when you think you've reached your limit, God pushes you beyond it.
For the past two weeks, I've been crying at night for a way out. Raging at God or family or friends when some of the things I'm going thru are out of my control, while others are. It doesn't matter when you feel like you made of lead, something toxic and heavy and cold and you are falling deeper and deeper into a deep artic ocean trench. You swim, but it's the wrong direction, you cry out but help can't reach you.
Sometimes friends help, mostly not... unless I feel like they understand, even though I know they care, but there's only so much I can take, my fears of being left alone by friends or fears of being a loser or whatever.
Call me crazy, judge me, think that it's a cry for attention, think as you please. It's hard to be real, hard for me to share like this, I put it out there not because I've mastered anything but because right now I'm over it.

LOVE
To you maybe it's nothing much but to me, I have hope now that things will get better. If you are tagged, you are apart of helping me. Thank you.
Whats that? How did I heal?I don't know, it's not through trying to find your worth thru friends or past success. Maybe it was time I got over myself or maybe it was God and his unfailing love. It was the week after a fight with my dad and the 6 days of silence and hiding from family ending in a quiet talk with my parents. I knew I was loved but was i still didn't feel it was safe. It was every little step I took from coming home instead of running away, I came home to the succulent smell of beef brisket stewing and my mom's cooking, one of my favourites. It was bumping into John and him giving me a bottle of grape juice from Japan and talking of hooking me up with a cell phone plan (the kindness of a stranger almost). It was a little music box that I cranked to help me smile. It was everytime you spent time with me, every hug you have, every smile you turned my way. Everytime you listened, everytime you prayed.

HEALING
... That I realized yes, I'm going through hard times, it is beyond what I can bear, but God as blessed me with so much, how could I be so blind to everything He has blessed me with? He saved me from famine, from poverty, from war, from divorce, from disease, from sin... from death, and gave me life, love and hope.
Next time, please ask me to give praise it is good for the soul, gives you hope, and you rely on God for that. =P

“Love is the medicine for the sickness of the world.” Karl Menninger

Dear God, Have mercy

I cry, I rage and I try
to myself again I die.

What's enough, when to stop?
Why the pain, why the knot?
Why become I someone I'm not?

Build me, break me
but leave my heart alone

For along my slender sleeve,
T'is my only heart to die

"Have mercy!" I cry,
Tho none was spared for you

where upon the cross you died
alone but pure, true love personified.